Communication Style

The way we communicate has a huge impact on how well we are able to form and maintain relationships, get what we want or need, avoid conflict, and solve problems. Learning to recognise and understand different communication styles is key in developing effective communication skills.

There are four major communication styles – assertive, aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive. Often, people transition between communication styles depending on the context of their interaction, the person or people that they are interacting with, or other internal or external factors like mood or distractions. That said, people tend to have a ‘default’ communication style that they revert to when feeling uncomfortable or unprepared.

Assertive communication

An assertive communication style is widely accepted as the most effective communication style, as it focuses on the needs of both the person communicating, and the person that they are communicating with. Assertive communicators value themselves, their time, their rights and needs – as well as those of others. The motivation behind the assertive communicator is to express their own needs or desires, while also respecting the needs and desires of the other person.

When people communicate assertively, they are straight forward in expressing their opinion and advocate for their rights without compromising the rights of anyone else. You might recognise an assertive communicator as someone who states facts (without labels or judgments), expresses themselves directly and honestly, checks on others’ understanding and interpretations, and is confident, calm, firm, fair, consistent, and attentive. Assertive communicators are also open to criticism, negotiation or bargaining. 

People on the receiving end of an assertive communication style feel that they can trust the assertive communicator at their word, that they know where they stand, that they have been listened to, considered, and respected.

Aggressive communication

An aggressive communication style is focused on the needs of the person communicating, and often disregards the needs of the person being communicated to. This type of communication is often driven by beliefs such as “I’m right and you are wrong”, “I’ll get what I want no matter what” and “My needs are more important than yours”.

This communication style is often seen as threatening, bossy or condescending. You might recognise an aggressive communicator as someone who seems close minded, isn’t an effective listener, interrupts or speaks over the others, puts others down, or uses threats or attacks to get what they want.

People on the receiving end of aggressive communication often feel defensive, humiliated, hurt, afraid, disrespected, and can resort to fighting back, being resistant or defiant, alienating the aggressor, or becoming compliant but resentful.

Passive communication

A passive communication style is focused on the needs of the other, rather than the needs of the person communicating. This type of communication can be driven by beliefs such as “You are more important than me”, “I shouldn’t say what I really think or feel” or “I should just keep the peace”. This communication style is driven by the desire to please others, and avoid conflict.

 A passive communicator often acts indifferently or submits to others desires, rather than expressing their thoughts and feelings. You might recognise a passive communicator as someone who struggles to take responsibility for decisions, agrees or does what others want without question, avoids confrontation, speaks softly or apologetically, doesn’t express their feelings, speaks indirectly, or doesn’t speak up.

People on the receiving end of passive communication often feel frustrated, confused about what the communicator wants, or that they can take advantage of the passive communicator.

Passive-aggressive communication

A passive-aggressive communication style appears passive on the surface, but is also characterised by the communicator acting out their needs in indirect ways.  This type of communication is driven by beliefs such as “I can’t say what I really think, but I can show you” or “I’ll please you, but I will get back at you”.

Passive-aggressive communicators have difficulty acknowledging and expressing their anger, which leads to them feeling stuck, resentful, and unable to directly address their needs or confront conflict. By using ‘behind the scenes’ ways to deal with feelings of powerlessness, passive-aggressive communicators often sabotage themselves when they confuse others with their unclear intentions. You might recognise a passive-aggressive communicator as someone whose expressions don’t match their emotions (for example, smiles when they are angry), is indirectly aggressive, sarcastic, unreliable, patronising, ‘two-faced’, spreads rumours, gives the ‘silent treatment’, or mutters to themselves rather than confronting another person.

People on the receiving end of passive-aggressive communication are frequently left feeling confused, angry, hurt, or resentful.

Having a good understanding of these four main communication styles is helpful in allowing you to develop both self awareness, and awareness of others’ communication styles. Once you understand your communication style, it is far easier to identify areas for improvement – which can help strengthen relationships, reduce stress from conflict, and get your needs met.

If you find that you struggle to communicate effectively, or think that you might need some help to develop a more assertive communication style, our practitioners at Involve Psychology can help. If you’d like to make an appointment, or just want to get some information or ask questions, feel free to give us a call on (07) 3482 3466 or submit an enquiry at www.involvepsychology.com